greetings from utah

     I have been trying to avoid blogging until my VPN starts miraculously working again, but that just has not happened yet. Which sucks because I just paid $40 for a year subscription to get it. :/
     So much has been happening every day that to do an entire recap would take ages to write, and I really, really do not feel like writing right now for whatever reason.
     I suppose the biggest thing is that I am talking to Joe again now. The first day of school I discovered I had a class right next to his apartment. My depression absolutely blinded me and I ended up driving over there. Surprised him pretty well. He told me two days later that me having driven by really messed him up, because when he broke up with me he thought he was doing what was best for me. He thought that I was moving down there entirely for him. And when he saw that it was not the case, he realized how bad he messed up. He apologized for not giving me the benefit of the doubt.
     It is nice to have Joe back in my life again. But for some reason I still feel that I am walking on shattered glass. One wrong move and I will cut myself up something fierce.
     Codependency sucks. But explaining codependency to him, and why I require so much from him emotionally, would be like trying to explain my dead fish. He would not understand. And he would just get freaked out and think that I was unhealthily attached to him or something. Which might be true; I do not know. But I do not want him to be the one making the separating decision for me again because he thinks he knows what is best. Leave it to me to figure that part out on my own.
     It is funny because he said that people who think too much about relationships are silly, and that he would not want to be with someone who considered him some sort of rubiks cube instead of just relaxing and letting things happen naturally. Which is exactly what my obsessive, depressive, and codependent mind does. But I'm a good faker.

wisp

  I am having a really really rough day. Can you try and keep google chat open or mail me a time that you will be online? Since I am in my new apartment I dont know when I will have internet, but if all else fails I will use my phone.

greetings from iowa

     Today was the first day I have ever been in a car when it has broken down on the highway. Coincidentally, today was also the first time my car has broken down. It just decided to do it on the highway. During my 21-hour, time-pressed trip to Utah. In an unfamiliar state. In the sun. The luck of it all, eh?
     Fortunately, all that is broken is the front axle and possibly the battery and not the transmission which I feared (if the transmission goes out, it's already decided that my car is as good as dead). Unfortunately, however, I am stuck in Iowa until the axle gets fixed, which essentially means that I will be arriving in Utah approximately 4am on Saturday versus 5pm on Friday. As lucky as I am to be able to keep my car, I am still really bummed that all of my house mates will arrive and settle in a good day before me. I was hoping for the exact opposite - to get there before anyone else so that I could feel comfortable myself. Walking into an occupied house where the room mates already know each other just seems a lot less appealing versus getting there before everyone and being able to relax. That's just the introverted part of me. This just feels.. unsafe. Like being caught off guard and vulnerable.
     Does this even make any sense? Or am I just being over dramatic?
     Anyway, I tried my CPAP for the first time last night. It's awkward to say the least. There's nothing comfortable about rolling on your side with two rubber plugs shoved up your nose constantly blowing air through a tube that wraps around you when you turn. If you have ever stuck your head out of a car window when it is going down the highway, it feels an awful lot like that. Or like sticking a reverse vacuum up your nostrils, I guess. I don't know how anyone gets used to these things.
     Oh, the package for it also has a picture of an old woman with white hair on it. Like I didn't feel like a freak enough. Now I get to be reminded every night that I'm an 18 year old wearing something made for 60 year olds.

sing me to sleep

     Here's to the last night I will be sleeping in my own bed - the one I have had since a child - with my fan gently blowing the beads of my dream catcher against the wooden headboard, my laptop placed on my nightstand, room darkening deep red curtains pulled shut to block the porch lights from other houses from lighting up my room, in the company of my beloved cats, and only a few yards away from my family.

     I feel that I am not ready to let this all go... There's a lump in my throat, and my nose is tingling. Anxiety has its cold grip upon me and I cannot help but feel so terribly dismal.

     I want to text Wisp during my long trip to help me feel better, but alas, it does not look like that will be happening seeing as my phone is not working. AT&T re-shot a signal to it, but I tested it today myself using Pinger and it still did not go through. I know it is my phone that is messed up because a few days ago I was not receiving the codes google was texting me in order to access my gmail account.

     I do not know if I feel so sad because PristiQ is not being effective or if it is normal. But I do want to cry. And I know I will when I see them leave.

     I got your e-mail, Wisp. I figured this post would be an efficient enough reply. I just.. don't know what to do.

one am

2am and she calls me 'cause I'm still awake

"Can you help me unravel my latest mistake?

I don't love him; winter just wasn't my season."

     Well, it's one in the morning, but close enough.

     The secretary for the doctor I was supposed to see tomorrow called. She said that one of the nurses noticed I was over eighteen, and apparently they only see adolescents (despite the fact I am still seeing one of their adolescent care specialist in the same building?) and therefor cannot see me. They said the person who my mum scheduled with must not have caught my age.. even though she gave him or her my birthday and clearly said, "We need to get an appointment within the next week because she's heading off for college."

     Sigh. I guess my good diagnostic luck could not last forever.

     And it really sucks. All of this sucks. Having sleep apnea royally sucks. Having the appointment that was supposed to help my sleep apnea cancelled sucks. My mother is over here talking about how pessimistic I am, and that I should be looking at the bright side, that "Hey, now you know what's wrong with you!" But so far it has not actually changed anything and that fact that I even have it in the first place is horrible luck in itself. PristiQ has not been effective yet either. Sometimes it takes a few days, but I can feel the familiar feeling of disappointment looming. If it does not work... I don't know what I will do.

     I am a stupid dead fish and I want to live so bad but nothing is working.

of sins and virtues

     I woke up about an hour ago and could not fall back asleep. Ended up browsing the internet and stumbled upon this article about a woman who made a pledge to God when she was ten years old. It was an interesting read, and I am of course not judging Christianity because I know it is not black and white, but I was wondering what you thought of it, Wisp. We have never really spoken about this part of Christianity before and I am curious where you stand.

http://www.styleite.com/first-person/i-waited-until-my-wedding-night-to-lose-my-virginity-and-i-wish-i-hadnt/

anxiety anxiety

     I was thinking about going to bed early tonight but all I can think about right now is that I am leaving next Wednesday and will not see my mother for four months. I have gone two months without her in the past back when I was shipped to Seattle, but even that was incredibly hard on both of us, and at least then I was surrounded by people I knew and my biggest worry was whether I did my homework right versus keeping my grades up in college whilst maintaining an appropriate amount of sanity all on my own. I have felt the cold breath of a monster mimicking impending doom upon my back but I have kept it at bay for the duration of summer. Now he is creeping steadily closer and I cannot help but cringe. Anxiety is truly a beast. Granted, even without anxiety I am sure I would feel the same, as would anyone else being pushed out of their nest. And at the end of the day, all of this was my choice. I do not know why, but I feel like I have to do this. I have to. And I think a tremendous amount of this feeling came from my conversations with him; Joe. He made me feel that I cannot stay at home. I had eighteen years of protection and now I must face the real world, because staying stagnant will only dwindle any opportunities I have out there. I have to take advantage of this while I have the chance; while my parents are able and willing to support me, while I am young so that I can grab life by the horns before anyone else, and while I have not phased out of an academic mindset. Such a peculiar feeling for someone who is clinically depressed and crawling around the bottom of an emotional canyon, is it not? At least I can thank him for that.