codependency

     I was browsing dA when I stumbled upon an artist I used to adore, but I discovered that her gallery is now full of pictures she has drawn of her and her significant other. The art is good, don't get me wrong, but the manner in which it floods her personal page rubs me the wrong way. Maybe I'm jealous. She's been with the guy for four years and they seem happy and head over heels for each other still. But at the same time the little voice in my head that screams out to avoid codependency makes me cringe because all I can think about is, what if they broke up? She's warped her profile and art to include the man like he is part of her, in all of her pictures and journals and even her signature, and I think that's sweet, it really is, and I think it's nice she trusts him so much. And I also can't help but think that if their relationship were to end, her page would suddenly become a very dark place for her. I know it would be for me. It's hard enough when I open my browser and I see pictures of him and I together by accident (which I hid further into my computer just today because it was bothering me so much). I cannot imagine the grief I would feel if suddenly the person who was not only a part of my life but also so heavily involved in my online personal profile was portrayed in all of my pictures and journals walked away. I cannot imagine the feeling of having to remove all traces of him to bring piece of mind, deleting my artwork too avoid seeing these fantasies I drew of the two of us together. And to be honest, what really, really gets me, is that if they were to break up, I think she'd come to the realization that the moment she included him in her online profile so much her "personal" account became "their" account. And I think that if the relationship were to end, so would the account - the one that used to be hers and hers alone but no longer so. Do you see what I mean? Why did she have to decorate her page with him? Why couldn't it just be all about her, like it started out as, and like it should be?
     Codependency really kills me. It's partners in crime with my depression and anxiety, and because I know how much hurt it has caused me, I try to avoid grouping myself with someone at all costs. It's not commitment issues, because I can commit. I just have to constantly tell myself that when I am in a relationship it does not become my life. I am my life. I am an individual. And although our lives may intertwine, they are still separate. Because if you begin to think that way - that he now is your life - all the light in the world will extinguish when he walks away. And then your life ends.