greetings from utah

     I have been trying to avoid blogging until my VPN starts miraculously working again, but that just has not happened yet. Which sucks because I just paid $40 for a year subscription to get it. :/
     So much has been happening every day that to do an entire recap would take ages to write, and I really, really do not feel like writing right now for whatever reason.
     I suppose the biggest thing is that I am talking to Joe again now. The first day of school I discovered I had a class right next to his apartment. My depression absolutely blinded me and I ended up driving over there. Surprised him pretty well. He told me two days later that me having driven by really messed him up, because when he broke up with me he thought he was doing what was best for me. He thought that I was moving down there entirely for him. And when he saw that it was not the case, he realized how bad he messed up. He apologized for not giving me the benefit of the doubt.
     It is nice to have Joe back in my life again. But for some reason I still feel that I am walking on shattered glass. One wrong move and I will cut myself up something fierce.
     Codependency sucks. But explaining codependency to him, and why I require so much from him emotionally, would be like trying to explain my dead fish. He would not understand. And he would just get freaked out and think that I was unhealthily attached to him or something. Which might be true; I do not know. But I do not want him to be the one making the separating decision for me again because he thinks he knows what is best. Leave it to me to figure that part out on my own.
     It is funny because he said that people who think too much about relationships are silly, and that he would not want to be with someone who considered him some sort of rubiks cube instead of just relaxing and letting things happen naturally. Which is exactly what my obsessive, depressive, and codependent mind does. But I'm a good faker.

wisp

  I am having a really really rough day. Can you try and keep google chat open or mail me a time that you will be online? Since I am in my new apartment I dont know when I will have internet, but if all else fails I will use my phone.

greetings from iowa

     Today was the first day I have ever been in a car when it has broken down on the highway. Coincidentally, today was also the first time my car has broken down. It just decided to do it on the highway. During my 21-hour, time-pressed trip to Utah. In an unfamiliar state. In the sun. The luck of it all, eh?
     Fortunately, all that is broken is the front axle and possibly the battery and not the transmission which I feared (if the transmission goes out, it's already decided that my car is as good as dead). Unfortunately, however, I am stuck in Iowa until the axle gets fixed, which essentially means that I will be arriving in Utah approximately 4am on Saturday versus 5pm on Friday. As lucky as I am to be able to keep my car, I am still really bummed that all of my house mates will arrive and settle in a good day before me. I was hoping for the exact opposite - to get there before anyone else so that I could feel comfortable myself. Walking into an occupied house where the room mates already know each other just seems a lot less appealing versus getting there before everyone and being able to relax. That's just the introverted part of me. This just feels.. unsafe. Like being caught off guard and vulnerable.
     Does this even make any sense? Or am I just being over dramatic?
     Anyway, I tried my CPAP for the first time last night. It's awkward to say the least. There's nothing comfortable about rolling on your side with two rubber plugs shoved up your nose constantly blowing air through a tube that wraps around you when you turn. If you have ever stuck your head out of a car window when it is going down the highway, it feels an awful lot like that. Or like sticking a reverse vacuum up your nostrils, I guess. I don't know how anyone gets used to these things.
     Oh, the package for it also has a picture of an old woman with white hair on it. Like I didn't feel like a freak enough. Now I get to be reminded every night that I'm an 18 year old wearing something made for 60 year olds.

sing me to sleep

     Here's to the last night I will be sleeping in my own bed - the one I have had since a child - with my fan gently blowing the beads of my dream catcher against the wooden headboard, my laptop placed on my nightstand, room darkening deep red curtains pulled shut to block the porch lights from other houses from lighting up my room, in the company of my beloved cats, and only a few yards away from my family.

     I feel that I am not ready to let this all go... There's a lump in my throat, and my nose is tingling. Anxiety has its cold grip upon me and I cannot help but feel so terribly dismal.

     I want to text Wisp during my long trip to help me feel better, but alas, it does not look like that will be happening seeing as my phone is not working. AT&T re-shot a signal to it, but I tested it today myself using Pinger and it still did not go through. I know it is my phone that is messed up because a few days ago I was not receiving the codes google was texting me in order to access my gmail account.

     I do not know if I feel so sad because PristiQ is not being effective or if it is normal. But I do want to cry. And I know I will when I see them leave.

     I got your e-mail, Wisp. I figured this post would be an efficient enough reply. I just.. don't know what to do.

one am

2am and she calls me 'cause I'm still awake

"Can you help me unravel my latest mistake?

I don't love him; winter just wasn't my season."

     Well, it's one in the morning, but close enough.

     The secretary for the doctor I was supposed to see tomorrow called. She said that one of the nurses noticed I was over eighteen, and apparently they only see adolescents (despite the fact I am still seeing one of their adolescent care specialist in the same building?) and therefor cannot see me. They said the person who my mum scheduled with must not have caught my age.. even though she gave him or her my birthday and clearly said, "We need to get an appointment within the next week because she's heading off for college."

     Sigh. I guess my good diagnostic luck could not last forever.

     And it really sucks. All of this sucks. Having sleep apnea royally sucks. Having the appointment that was supposed to help my sleep apnea cancelled sucks. My mother is over here talking about how pessimistic I am, and that I should be looking at the bright side, that "Hey, now you know what's wrong with you!" But so far it has not actually changed anything and that fact that I even have it in the first place is horrible luck in itself. PristiQ has not been effective yet either. Sometimes it takes a few days, but I can feel the familiar feeling of disappointment looming. If it does not work... I don't know what I will do.

     I am a stupid dead fish and I want to live so bad but nothing is working.

of sins and virtues

     I woke up about an hour ago and could not fall back asleep. Ended up browsing the internet and stumbled upon this article about a woman who made a pledge to God when she was ten years old. It was an interesting read, and I am of course not judging Christianity because I know it is not black and white, but I was wondering what you thought of it, Wisp. We have never really spoken about this part of Christianity before and I am curious where you stand.

http://www.styleite.com/first-person/i-waited-until-my-wedding-night-to-lose-my-virginity-and-i-wish-i-hadnt/

anxiety anxiety

     I was thinking about going to bed early tonight but all I can think about right now is that I am leaving next Wednesday and will not see my mother for four months. I have gone two months without her in the past back when I was shipped to Seattle, but even that was incredibly hard on both of us, and at least then I was surrounded by people I knew and my biggest worry was whether I did my homework right versus keeping my grades up in college whilst maintaining an appropriate amount of sanity all on my own. I have felt the cold breath of a monster mimicking impending doom upon my back but I have kept it at bay for the duration of summer. Now he is creeping steadily closer and I cannot help but cringe. Anxiety is truly a beast. Granted, even without anxiety I am sure I would feel the same, as would anyone else being pushed out of their nest. And at the end of the day, all of this was my choice. I do not know why, but I feel like I have to do this. I have to. And I think a tremendous amount of this feeling came from my conversations with him; Joe. He made me feel that I cannot stay at home. I had eighteen years of protection and now I must face the real world, because staying stagnant will only dwindle any opportunities I have out there. I have to take advantage of this while I have the chance; while my parents are able and willing to support me, while I am young so that I can grab life by the horns before anyone else, and while I have not phased out of an academic mindset. Such a peculiar feeling for someone who is clinically depressed and crawling around the bottom of an emotional canyon, is it not? At least I can thank him for that.

pristiq

     Dear Creators of Pristiq,

          Thank you for creating the only anti-depressant that (apparently) works for me. You might just be my pill in shining armor.

     Yup, there it is, folks. The results of the DNA test I took which determines which alleles I received from each parent. From both parents I got either a) no pathway to process medication or b) a pathway which only partially processes medication. There are footnotes at the bottom of the page which explain what each number next to the different medications mean - essentially, the medications on the left work for me, the medications in the middle might, and the medications on the right will either not work or they will have detrimental effects, which explains why Prozac sent me in a downwards spiral.

     And there are the opioids (pain killers) that will work for me. Guess my 'rents won't have to worry about me getting high on morphine or Vicodin with all the other kids in college.

     Now I am just extremely worried about what this means for my other medications, which my mother and psychiatrist gave me funny looks for because I should be happy I now have this information (hello, anxiety?). Primarily, my birth control. A few months back I got the implant called Nexplanon which is supposed to prevent pregnancy for three years. It's basically a small straw surgically placed in my arm. But now that I know I cannot process the majority of medications I'm worried it is not 99% effective as it is supposed to be... which is really, really picking at me because I thought I had the next 3 years of my life covered and dealt with. I'm not active now, but I know I am headed for college, and maybe in a few years if something happened.. I just wanted to be prepared. And now I might not be.

     Plus, it might be the reason I'm bleeding for all but one week of the month. 

i heard the reverberating footsteps

     I was loafing around and feeling guilty because I have not replied to any of my friend's messages the past several days. In fact, I had not even looked at them. I do not know why I do this; avoid people for no reason despite knowing I will then feel guilty.. and then the thought occurred to me, I may be just like him.

edit: Wisp hasn't made a post in a few days now.. comeon, girl. You know I live for your blog. (Plus that kind of worries me.)

i built you a home in my heart

... with rotten wood made the cave from the start

- dcfc

     I am writing this before I switch over to my primary Google account because hopping back and forth is very tedious when you enable twenty million security features like I do. Thus, I am writing before reading any (possible) e-mails you have sent me, Wisp. I will look as soon as I can providing the real world quits interrupting (which it has a very profound talent of doing..).

     He called last night. I did not know until this morning because I left my phone in my folk's room since it is now pretty much useless and broken and I never talk to anyone on it. My mother was half asleep but she remembered being awoken by his first call. She said she missed it, but when she picked up my phone she noticed I had a text from him, and whilst reading it he called again. Of course my phone does this thing where if someone happens to call you at the same time you press a button it immediately hangs up on the person. Which is probably a good thing because my mother asserted if he had called again she would have ripped him.
     The texts?

     "Don't have to talk if you don't want. Just wanted to ask you something."

     When my mum accidentally hung up on him he then sent:

     "Right. My b. Take care."

     My best guess is he was drunk because he has never said anything like "my b" as he is quite erudite as a former English major. But I could always be looking too much into it. As for the question - and my mum agreed with me - I believe he wanted to know if I was still moving to Utah.
     And in case there is a lapse in memory here, his reasoning for us "taking a break" is because he could not cope with me wanting to move out there to be with him. Which I cannot deny.. to an extent. I knew I wanted to move to the west coast after living near Seattle for two months, I just didn't know exactly where. And I later happened to know a guy who I felt I was in love with who, coincidentally, was in that area. Who wouldn't go for it?

     ... And I don't know how to feel about last night. I saw it coming, when I think about it. But if I were to have picked up the phone last night, and had he asked me, I do not know what I would have said. His best friend asked me on Facebook if I was still moving out there, too. I didn't answer him either. I could not tell you why, but for some reason, I want to leave him guessing. I want him to think I stayed here in my state; that I was weak, and that he was the reason I was going to move out there in the first place, the entire reason, and that he was right. And in this fantasy, the day that he realizes he had been wrong this entire time, when he sees that I am in his state, and sees that I don not need him and never did, so clearly proven by having been strong on my own, I hope it hits home. Hard. I want him to regret leaving me again.

     I still love him, you know. 

     I think I have this warped idea that if all of that does indeed happen, he will realize I was never dependent on him and thus he will want me again. Or maybe one day he will realize how absolutely stupid he was for ending us based on a "feeling" when he had just told me he would not act on his commitment issues.
     And yeah, I think this is all because of his commitment issues. One, because this has happened before. Different problem, same situation. I proposed the thought of me moving in with him and he was totally on board with it. Said he'd take care of me and everything. Then the next day he freaked out and broke up with me. Granted, when he did it, he had different excuses for doing so. It wasn't until several weeks/months later that he came forth and explained how he really felt. And two, because his reasoning makes no sense.
     I hope I am right. I hope I don't get hurt again, too. He had some really shit timing, all things considered.

     On another completely unrelated note, I haven't really spoken too much about my medications, so before continuing my blog and possibly confusing myself or anyone else (not likely..) down the line, I digress. Currently I take 2mg of Ambilify in the morning which will be increased to 5mg in two days as I just started it less than a week ago. With the Ambilify I also have 300mg of Welbutrin. After three in the afternoon, although I am terribly not punctual, I take two 100mg pills of Zoloft. Some days I also take a vitamin d3 pill due to having a deficiency, but I'm really supposed to take every day. And now, as of a few days ago, I take two 5mg pills of Melatonin before I go to bed at night. In the past I have been prescribed Lexapro, Prozac, and Trazodone, none of which, unfortunately, have helped me.
     Reading that is hard, even for me proof-reading, so I'll just make a chart!

     Morning: Ambilify, Welbutrin, vitamin d3
     Afternoon: Zoloft
     Night: Melatonin

     Tomorrow I am going to see my - original - psychiatrist for my follow-up appointment. You know, the one she magically scheduled when her 'next appointment' would be for August 30th, AFTER I left? That one. The only reason I am seeing her is so that she'll write me a 'prescription' per se that will allow me to take Peanut to college with me. He can also sit with me on airplanes. Isn't that swell?

     After that Mum wants the two of us (and my baby sister) to go to the south side to look at phones since she's picky about where she takes her business. She also wants to go to the airport to exchange my voucher for tickets for me to come home for Christmas this year, and at some point we have to go get our military I.D's renewed. So I promise, Wisp, I am not purposely neglecting you. Depression is a full time job sometimes and it gets that much harder when others expect things from you when all you can manage is Depression Parkour.

     Let's take a moment to appreciate this picture, now.

     It is incredibly accurate.

     My biological father sent me more mail today - a note written on lined paper (with the frillies still connected) and folded middle-school style.

     "Hello, I sent you a card on 7-14 and wondered if you got it? I was very excited and was hoping to hear from you but never have. I really wanted us to try to talk things out and build a relationship. I fear that you have already labeled me as a loser since I don't have a good paying job. If you don't want to see or talk to me I wish you would just say no. I am not a bad person and your mom knows that. I do not drink and have never done any drugs "ever". I just live a simple life, I have tried many times to get a much better job, but I am terrible at math. I only understand basic only. I had to re-take the math test three times to get my GED and barely past. I'm good at everything else and got good scores. Anyway we all want to see you. You clearly saw how upset my mom and I was too. I just fought it till after you left, then it hit me hard. There's really nothing more I can say til if and when I see you or talk to you."

     At the bottom he put his phone number and said, "Call anytime. Even if it's 3am. I don't care." Signed, "Love you,"

     The note I copied word for word, grammar mistakes and all - not that it matters. What matters is how hard it is to hate someone whose words show love and regret ten years later, whilst during the ten years his actions had not. I start to wonder if he really does care about me. Then another part of me chimes in and reminds me that he always had an option to find me, because there is always a way. Nobody prevented him from getting my address or information from court, or finding my mother in a phone book, or even taking her back to court to see me. In court he insisted that he didn't have the money to get an attorney to do so, but he had one there to defend him against helping me pay for college? I guess I must still be a child because this situation is beyond me and I honestly don't know what to think.

     Nip out.

anger trumps depression?

     I very rarely get angry. Ever. And I just got angry. Not even over something big. I was watching Meadow for the past hour and she was crying her head off and kept spitting her binky out so there was no stopping her. When my mother came to retrieve her, she tripped over the power cord to my game... which promptly shut off. 2-3 hours of work on that stupid game baby-sitting a screaming child, now gone.

     And I don't even know WHY I'm mad, but oh am I furious right now. And then I want to cry at the same time. I make no sense. I thought I was past that part of being a teenager?