Tuesday, August 12, 2014

anxiety anxiety

     I was thinking about going to bed early tonight but all I can think about right now is that I am leaving next Wednesday and will not see my mother for four months. I have gone two months without her in the past back when I was shipped to Seattle, but even that was incredibly hard on both of us, and at least then I was surrounded by people I knew and my biggest worry was whether I did my homework right versus keeping my grades up in college whilst maintaining an appropriate amount of sanity all on my own. I have felt the cold breath of a monster mimicking impending doom upon my back but I have kept it at bay for the duration of summer. Now he is creeping steadily closer and I cannot help but cringe. Anxiety is truly a beast. Granted, even without anxiety I am sure I would feel the same, as would anyone else being pushed out of their nest. And at the end of the day, all of this was my choice. I do not know why, but I feel like I have to do this. I have to. And I think a tremendous amount of this feeling came from my conversations with him; Joe. He made me feel that I cannot stay at home. I had eighteen years of protection and now I must face the real world, because staying stagnant will only dwindle any opportunities I have out there. I have to take advantage of this while I have the chance; while my parents are able and willing to support me, while I am young so that I can grab life by the horns before anyone else, and while I have not phased out of an academic mindset. Such a peculiar feeling for someone who is clinically depressed and crawling around the bottom of an emotional canyon, is it not? At least I can thank him for that.

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