i built you a home in my heart

... with rotten wood made the cave from the start

- dcfc

     I am writing this before I switch over to my primary Google account because hopping back and forth is very tedious when you enable twenty million security features like I do. Thus, I am writing before reading any (possible) e-mails you have sent me, Wisp. I will look as soon as I can providing the real world quits interrupting (which it has a very profound talent of doing..).

     He called last night. I did not know until this morning because I left my phone in my folk's room since it is now pretty much useless and broken and I never talk to anyone on it. My mother was half asleep but she remembered being awoken by his first call. She said she missed it, but when she picked up my phone she noticed I had a text from him, and whilst reading it he called again. Of course my phone does this thing where if someone happens to call you at the same time you press a button it immediately hangs up on the person. Which is probably a good thing because my mother asserted if he had called again she would have ripped him.
     The texts?

     "Don't have to talk if you don't want. Just wanted to ask you something."

     When my mum accidentally hung up on him he then sent:

     "Right. My b. Take care."

     My best guess is he was drunk because he has never said anything like "my b" as he is quite erudite as a former English major. But I could always be looking too much into it. As for the question - and my mum agreed with me - I believe he wanted to know if I was still moving to Utah.
     And in case there is a lapse in memory here, his reasoning for us "taking a break" is because he could not cope with me wanting to move out there to be with him. Which I cannot deny.. to an extent. I knew I wanted to move to the west coast after living near Seattle for two months, I just didn't know exactly where. And I later happened to know a guy who I felt I was in love with who, coincidentally, was in that area. Who wouldn't go for it?

     ... And I don't know how to feel about last night. I saw it coming, when I think about it. But if I were to have picked up the phone last night, and had he asked me, I do not know what I would have said. His best friend asked me on Facebook if I was still moving out there, too. I didn't answer him either. I could not tell you why, but for some reason, I want to leave him guessing. I want him to think I stayed here in my state; that I was weak, and that he was the reason I was going to move out there in the first place, the entire reason, and that he was right. And in this fantasy, the day that he realizes he had been wrong this entire time, when he sees that I am in his state, and sees that I don not need him and never did, so clearly proven by having been strong on my own, I hope it hits home. Hard. I want him to regret leaving me again.

     I still love him, you know. 

     I think I have this warped idea that if all of that does indeed happen, he will realize I was never dependent on him and thus he will want me again. Or maybe one day he will realize how absolutely stupid he was for ending us based on a "feeling" when he had just told me he would not act on his commitment issues.
     And yeah, I think this is all because of his commitment issues. One, because this has happened before. Different problem, same situation. I proposed the thought of me moving in with him and he was totally on board with it. Said he'd take care of me and everything. Then the next day he freaked out and broke up with me. Granted, when he did it, he had different excuses for doing so. It wasn't until several weeks/months later that he came forth and explained how he really felt. And two, because his reasoning makes no sense.
     I hope I am right. I hope I don't get hurt again, too. He had some really shit timing, all things considered.

     On another completely unrelated note, I haven't really spoken too much about my medications, so before continuing my blog and possibly confusing myself or anyone else (not likely..) down the line, I digress. Currently I take 2mg of Ambilify in the morning which will be increased to 5mg in two days as I just started it less than a week ago. With the Ambilify I also have 300mg of Welbutrin. After three in the afternoon, although I am terribly not punctual, I take two 100mg pills of Zoloft. Some days I also take a vitamin d3 pill due to having a deficiency, but I'm really supposed to take every day. And now, as of a few days ago, I take two 5mg pills of Melatonin before I go to bed at night. In the past I have been prescribed Lexapro, Prozac, and Trazodone, none of which, unfortunately, have helped me.
     Reading that is hard, even for me proof-reading, so I'll just make a chart!

     Morning: Ambilify, Welbutrin, vitamin d3
     Afternoon: Zoloft
     Night: Melatonin

     Tomorrow I am going to see my - original - psychiatrist for my follow-up appointment. You know, the one she magically scheduled when her 'next appointment' would be for August 30th, AFTER I left? That one. The only reason I am seeing her is so that she'll write me a 'prescription' per se that will allow me to take Peanut to college with me. He can also sit with me on airplanes. Isn't that swell?

     After that Mum wants the two of us (and my baby sister) to go to the south side to look at phones since she's picky about where she takes her business. She also wants to go to the airport to exchange my voucher for tickets for me to come home for Christmas this year, and at some point we have to go get our military I.D's renewed. So I promise, Wisp, I am not purposely neglecting you. Depression is a full time job sometimes and it gets that much harder when others expect things from you when all you can manage is Depression Parkour.

     Let's take a moment to appreciate this picture, now.

     It is incredibly accurate.

     My biological father sent me more mail today - a note written on lined paper (with the frillies still connected) and folded middle-school style.

     "Hello, I sent you a card on 7-14 and wondered if you got it? I was very excited and was hoping to hear from you but never have. I really wanted us to try to talk things out and build a relationship. I fear that you have already labeled me as a loser since I don't have a good paying job. If you don't want to see or talk to me I wish you would just say no. I am not a bad person and your mom knows that. I do not drink and have never done any drugs "ever". I just live a simple life, I have tried many times to get a much better job, but I am terrible at math. I only understand basic only. I had to re-take the math test three times to get my GED and barely past. I'm good at everything else and got good scores. Anyway we all want to see you. You clearly saw how upset my mom and I was too. I just fought it till after you left, then it hit me hard. There's really nothing more I can say til if and when I see you or talk to you."

     At the bottom he put his phone number and said, "Call anytime. Even if it's 3am. I don't care." Signed, "Love you,"

     The note I copied word for word, grammar mistakes and all - not that it matters. What matters is how hard it is to hate someone whose words show love and regret ten years later, whilst during the ten years his actions had not. I start to wonder if he really does care about me. Then another part of me chimes in and reminds me that he always had an option to find me, because there is always a way. Nobody prevented him from getting my address or information from court, or finding my mother in a phone book, or even taking her back to court to see me. In court he insisted that he didn't have the money to get an attorney to do so, but he had one there to defend him against helping me pay for college? I guess I must still be a child because this situation is beyond me and I honestly don't know what to think.

     Nip out.