Today, whilst waiting in the office of a new psychiatrist I planned to see due to my previous ones failing, my primary care doctor's nurse called me with the results of the sleepy study I had taken. She informed me that it took me an hour to fall asleep, and within the total 8 hours I was in bed, I slept a total of 3 hours, which I had personally read already and stated in my previous post. At one point during a 48-minute period I awoke 20 times. I stopped breathing 3 times that night for an average of 17 seconds. My sleep quality was 28%. And I have now been officially diagnosed with severe sleep apnea. Chances are, I'm going to have to now carry around a CPAP machine for the rest of my life.
The fact that I have sleep apnea is a total surprise, and I feel so absolutely hurt. Hurt because for the past several years the people around me always convinced me that being so tired was my fault - that I wasn't going to bed on time or that I was not exercising enough or that I couldn't hold a sleep schedule and stick to it. I had been told by countless doctors and therapists that my fatigue and daytime sleepiness was due to my depression, and believing that sleeping encouraged my depression and was ultimately one of the causes, my mother religiously kept me awake by going so far as to purposely set off the fire alarm in my room in order to discourage me from accidentally falling asleep. When she sent me to live with my aunt after my depression reached rock bottom four years ago, she, too, refused to allow me rest, and refused to allow me to sleep until 9 at night or wake up later than 5 in the morning. My teachers hated when I slept during class, and so did I because I felt I was personally offending them, but they too believed it was my fault alone and that I was the typical teenager staying up so late. When I fell asleep after school I was met with disapproving looks from my step father who chastised me with little comments to make sure I knew. And I couldn't help it. I tried so hard to fix this about myself because it was so abnormal and wrong and I was so convinced that I just wasn't being strong enough. And I'm confused, because I know that now it was never my fault, and yet I still feel horribly saddened thinking about it. I felt so guilty for over seven years about something I couldn't control. And now I face the possibility of forever spending my nights hooked up to a CPAP, and all I can think about is how you never read love stories where the man wakes up in the morning expecting a beautiful day and a beautiful girl with cute bedhead and still sleeping, then turns and looks to see her wearing a giant mask around her face. I have never been a romantic or fantasizing girl when it comes to love, but knowing that never being able to fall asleep next to someone or just cuddle without being connected to a CPAP destroys me. The machine itself will forever be a reminder of how dysfunctional I truly am. At the end of the day, I am a freak. A literal freak. There are things about me that are, by definition, wrong. And people can sit there all day and preach that if people can't accept those quirks about me they aren't even worth my time. But if we're being honest, really honest, that's not true. Because I know that everyone has certain stigmas against people - not because they are a bad person, but because that's how they've been sculpted by either society or their parents. Even my mother does it when she sees an overweight person. Without knowing his or her circumstances, whether his or her weight is due to a genuine medical condition or not, she is immediately disgusted. Do I think she is a bad person? No. I think she's accustomed to how the majority of overweight people are at fault of their own and that, as humans, we immediately relate qualities, such as being fat, to past knowledge or experiences. Just like how when we touch fire and get burned, we know that when we see something that is similar, such as feeling the steam coming off of a hot plate, we associate it with the fire and choose not to touch it. It's our nature. And it's barbaric. But it's the truth. And now I will be a victim of it.
Thursday, July 31, 2014
Wednesday, July 30, 2014
if you're going to do a sleep study, bring all the blankets
... Because hospital rooms are seriously cold and the blankets they provide could not warm you at all. I was embarrassed at first because I had brought a suitcase full of two of my blankets, my pillow, and a mini fan, whilst everyone else had just their purse and donned their jammies. After seeing the quality of the room, though, I felt bad for everyone else. You would think the hospital would try to make it as comfortable as possible, wouldn't you? At least I did.
And let me tell you: if you ever go to one, heaven forbid, it might be the most uncomfortable sleep experience you will have. For one, they are watching you sleep and can hear anything you say. Always. Every time I sat up in my bed they would come in not even a minute after and tell me to lay back down. Talk about creepy. I suppose they do so to prevent people from sleep walking or sitting up in their sleep (which I actually do), but still. Try sleeping knowing you are being spied on.
Secondly, the wires. So. Many. Wires. Attached to your body using adhesives, which are so not fun. I had one on each of my calves, one on my right hip, one in the middle of my chest, one on the left side of my jaw, one on each cheek, and one on my forehead. If having your body wired so you're attached to the bed isn't fun enough, you get a bonus! In your hair! Instead of using adhesives, though, they use glue to attach them to your scalp. I believe I had at least six. So not only is your body captive, but now your head is too. Then there was that weird little tube you see old people wearing that have two spots sticking up to put under your nose. Except mine had a little piece sticking out the bottom, too, to catch if I happened to snore, which poked my mouth. A lot. And I'm pretty sure my nose was rubbed raw. The wires made me feel like I had a new set of long, wire-y hair, because it truly was just that thick. Whenever I moved at night I felt them drag on the bed with me. Turning over isn't much better either when you have to keep untangling yourself.
Then there's the belts that hold them all in place. I had two wrapped around my head, one on my waist, and one on my chest, all of which are also connected to wires. Plus the heart monitor I had attached to my finger, which includes, you guessed it, yet another wire. I seriously felt like one of those new HD TVs where you can plug twenty different things into them at a time and get a wire-y jumble of misery behind the TV which you just hope you never have to go digging in to find a particular wire.
So to sum it up, I spent the night in a hospital room on a cot whilst practically rooted to machines and belts, constantly under surveillance, and got to listen to the heart monitor go beep, beep, beep.... At least the nurses were kind. I did like them.
In the end, it was determined that it took me an hour to fall asleep. I did, however, wake up several times during the night and got a grand total of three hours of sleep in the eight hour period. I never really realized how bad my sleeping was because between all the naps and late nights I wasn't able to keep track, so those numbers were pretty surprising to me. Now I am really curious to see what the doctors have to say.
Boy, I am tired. It's 8:44am now. They woke me up at 5:40am, so it's definitely going to be a hard day surviving on those three hours I had.
And let me tell you: if you ever go to one, heaven forbid, it might be the most uncomfortable sleep experience you will have. For one, they are watching you sleep and can hear anything you say. Always. Every time I sat up in my bed they would come in not even a minute after and tell me to lay back down. Talk about creepy. I suppose they do so to prevent people from sleep walking or sitting up in their sleep (which I actually do), but still. Try sleeping knowing you are being spied on.
Secondly, the wires. So. Many. Wires. Attached to your body using adhesives, which are so not fun. I had one on each of my calves, one on my right hip, one in the middle of my chest, one on the left side of my jaw, one on each cheek, and one on my forehead. If having your body wired so you're attached to the bed isn't fun enough, you get a bonus! In your hair! Instead of using adhesives, though, they use glue to attach them to your scalp. I believe I had at least six. So not only is your body captive, but now your head is too. Then there was that weird little tube you see old people wearing that have two spots sticking up to put under your nose. Except mine had a little piece sticking out the bottom, too, to catch if I happened to snore, which poked my mouth. A lot. And I'm pretty sure my nose was rubbed raw. The wires made me feel like I had a new set of long, wire-y hair, because it truly was just that thick. Whenever I moved at night I felt them drag on the bed with me. Turning over isn't much better either when you have to keep untangling yourself.
Then there's the belts that hold them all in place. I had two wrapped around my head, one on my waist, and one on my chest, all of which are also connected to wires. Plus the heart monitor I had attached to my finger, which includes, you guessed it, yet another wire. I seriously felt like one of those new HD TVs where you can plug twenty different things into them at a time and get a wire-y jumble of misery behind the TV which you just hope you never have to go digging in to find a particular wire.
So to sum it up, I spent the night in a hospital room on a cot whilst practically rooted to machines and belts, constantly under surveillance, and got to listen to the heart monitor go beep, beep, beep.... At least the nurses were kind. I did like them.
In the end, it was determined that it took me an hour to fall asleep. I did, however, wake up several times during the night and got a grand total of three hours of sleep in the eight hour period. I never really realized how bad my sleeping was because between all the naps and late nights I wasn't able to keep track, so those numbers were pretty surprising to me. Now I am really curious to see what the doctors have to say.
Boy, I am tired. It's 8:44am now. They woke me up at 5:40am, so it's definitely going to be a hard day surviving on those three hours I had.
Monday, July 28, 2014
anxiety anxiety
It is three in the morning, I am trying to go to sleep, and I have layed here for a while now. Thoughts about college and moving away from home and my mom flood my mind every time I let it wander, and each time I freak out. I am actually freaking out right now. Here's to a long night of my brain needlessly torturing me.
Sunday, July 27, 2014
codependency
I was browsing dA when I stumbled upon an artist I used to adore, but I discovered that her gallery is now full of pictures she has drawn of her and her significant other. The art is good, don't get me wrong, but the manner in which it floods her personal page rubs me the wrong way. Maybe I'm jealous. She's been with the guy for four years and they seem happy and head over heels for each other still. But at the same time the little voice in my head that screams out to avoid codependency makes me cringe because all I can think about is, what if they broke up? She's warped her profile and art to include the man like he is part of her, in all of her pictures and journals and even her signature, and I think that's sweet, it really is, and I think it's nice she trusts him so much. And I also can't help but think that if their relationship were to end, her page would suddenly become a very dark place for her. I know it would be for me. It's hard enough when I open my browser and I see pictures of him and I together by accident (which I hid further into my computer just today because it was bothering me so much). I cannot imagine the grief I would feel if suddenly the person who was not only a part of my life but also so heavily involved in my online personal profile was portrayed in all of my pictures and journals walked away. I cannot imagine the feeling of having to remove all traces of him to bring piece of mind, deleting my artwork too avoid seeing these fantasies I drew of the two of us together. And to be honest, what really, really gets me, is that if they were to break up, I think she'd come to the realization that the moment she included him in her online profile so much her "personal" account became "their" account. And I think that if the relationship were to end, so would the account - the one that used to be hers and hers alone but no longer so. Do you see what I mean? Why did she have to decorate her page with him? Why couldn't it just be all about her, like it started out as, and like it should be?
Codependency really kills me. It's partners in crime with my depression and anxiety, and because I know how much hurt it has caused me, I try to avoid grouping myself with someone at all costs. It's not commitment issues, because I can commit. I just have to constantly tell myself that when I am in a relationship it does not become my life. I am my life. I am an individual. And although our lives may intertwine, they are still separate. Because if you begin to think that way - that he now is your life - all the light in the world will extinguish when he walks away. And then your life ends.
Codependency really kills me. It's partners in crime with my depression and anxiety, and because I know how much hurt it has caused me, I try to avoid grouping myself with someone at all costs. It's not commitment issues, because I can commit. I just have to constantly tell myself that when I am in a relationship it does not become my life. I am my life. I am an individual. And although our lives may intertwine, they are still separate. Because if you begin to think that way - that he now is your life - all the light in the world will extinguish when he walks away. And then your life ends.
Thursday, July 24, 2014
short day
I sincerely believe that one of the best feelings in the world is when you fall asleep with someone and when you wake up they are still there. I fell asleep cuddling Peanut last night and when I awoke he was next to me sleeping like a baby. He can manage to jump off my bed, but he is much too small to jump back up onto it, so he must have been there with me the entire night. I could not tell you why this makes me feel so nice inside. It just does.
Unfortunately, I had another dream about him last night which essentially ruined my day. It is ironic because I have reached the point where I rarely think of him unless there is a trigger (which I admit there still are many and I could be much better), but then my dreams come and sucker punch me in the face by giving me these little fantasies just to make me feel awful in the morning when I realize, oh, hey, we're not back together again, that was just a dream, I am still not with him and I am hurting a lot - no thanks to you, brain. My subconsciousness must just be a colossal asshole.
So I spent my morning (starting at the crack of two in the afternoon) watching an episode of Big Brother with my family, watched silly cartoons while crafting a friendship bracelet design to wrap around my charging cable for an hour, then heading back off to bed... until about seven in the evening when my folks had prepared dinner in which I ate two pieces of garlic bread, just to zombie-walk right back to my safe haven and wake up at eleven.
I think part of the reason I went back to bed the first time is because my mother's husband of a year came home and I was too ashamed to show my unkempt self around him. But then he saw me at dinner anyways, so not much help did that do.
Lookie, it's Peanut.~ He loves my blankets.
Wednesday, July 23, 2014
dumb drivers
Harvest Moon has sent me into a fury, I am hard to anger, and I feel that I should be blogging more to help my mentality in case writing really does help improve life, so I am going to let off some steam by doing such.
The days have just been floating past. I try to entertain myself for the time being, hoping that one of my several doctors will come through to me and make me feel better. I mean, what else do I have to hold on to? I am a helpless case on my own, and I know most of my depression is not situational because to loathe the shower, dishes, and laundry is not what a normal person does. Nor does sleeping so much that you practically hibernate or having so little interest in living. This all came before anything situational, anyway. So it has to be the medication I'm missing, right? And of course I'm trying hard for therapy, but my therapist has now cancelled two of our appointments. That's two weeks of not seeing her, and she knows I'm leaving soon, but she took my mental heath on as a responsibility as a doctor, and I feel that she has failed me. I'm sitting here with 3 weeks until I'm shipped across the country, no true will to actually live, and no motivation. I keep begging for someone to help me but all I get is doctors who have me wait 2 weeks for 30-minute appointments, and they're telling this the past six months to someone who has severe anxiety, and I've been waiting and waiting and waiting.... I'm running out of time.... and panic...I won't survive out there like this... and because I can't motivate myself, I'll fail all my classes and nuke my GPA my freshman year, and my parents will be so distraught, and I'll end up right back home....How is this all helping again?
At least I have my old therapist, Melissa, now. When my mum spoke to her and looked at the numbers she realized we'd end up paying the same amount having her than we would with the co-pays I'm currently paying out of pocket for the others. I don't doubt that she's lying at least a little because she knows how much I worry about money, but I figure I shouldn't pry to give myself a little comfort. $90 for appointments and not accepting insurance is just absurd.. but she's the only person who's managed to really come through to me, and she already knows my background, plus she can see me twice a week if I schedule everything right. My mum came with me to my appointment today and she was really impressed and said that she felt Melissa was actually getting somewhere. She immediately spoke about hooking me up with doctors out in my college area, whereas my other therapist spent one of our two sessions discussing the method of one of the behavior therapies like reading it out of a text book. So.. maybe a little hope here.
I've been a bit of a recluse lately. I go through these phases where I just don't want to talk to anybody, and I won't reply to text messages or talk to the people I normally talk to anymore. I don't know if that's unhealthy or not. I know I feel guilty because the person on the other side probably feels upset or neglected. But is that normal or okay? Or bad? Of course this doesn't include you, Wisp. I don't play HI anymore, I just log on daily to try and catch you online so I can talk to you. Weird that you're the exception.
I beat Harvest Moon: Magical Melody today anyway, so now everything I do is just extra without much purpose. I could get married and have a kid or something, maybe save up and buy all the properties just to make them look pretty. But there's only so much interest a game without a plot can hold for me. I ordered one of the newer games in the series so hopefully that arrives soon so I can distract myself enough to appear a zombie. Distraction is good.
Oh, when we were driving back from my therapy session today, a car without a bumper moved from the slow lane to cut us off in the middle lane for no reason. He had no cars to pass and it was very abrupt. Mum noted that she saw a baby in the backseat, then when we passed him I witnessed him texting on his phone. A few minutes later we somehow find him again, but this time he's smoking a cigarette... with the baby in the back seat. Mum nearly blew a gasket.
Nothing else to report for now. NiP signing out.
The days have just been floating past. I try to entertain myself for the time being, hoping that one of my several doctors will come through to me and make me feel better. I mean, what else do I have to hold on to? I am a helpless case on my own, and I know most of my depression is not situational because to loathe the shower, dishes, and laundry is not what a normal person does. Nor does sleeping so much that you practically hibernate or having so little interest in living. This all came before anything situational, anyway. So it has to be the medication I'm missing, right? And of course I'm trying hard for therapy, but my therapist has now cancelled two of our appointments. That's two weeks of not seeing her, and she knows I'm leaving soon, but she took my mental heath on as a responsibility as a doctor, and I feel that she has failed me. I'm sitting here with 3 weeks until I'm shipped across the country, no true will to actually live, and no motivation. I keep begging for someone to help me but all I get is doctors who have me wait 2 weeks for 30-minute appointments, and they're telling this the past six months to someone who has severe anxiety, and I've been waiting and waiting and waiting.... I'm running out of time.... and panic...I won't survive out there like this... and because I can't motivate myself, I'll fail all my classes and nuke my GPA my freshman year, and my parents will be so distraught, and I'll end up right back home....How is this all helping again?
At least I have my old therapist, Melissa, now. When my mum spoke to her and looked at the numbers she realized we'd end up paying the same amount having her than we would with the co-pays I'm currently paying out of pocket for the others. I don't doubt that she's lying at least a little because she knows how much I worry about money, but I figure I shouldn't pry to give myself a little comfort. $90 for appointments and not accepting insurance is just absurd.. but she's the only person who's managed to really come through to me, and she already knows my background, plus she can see me twice a week if I schedule everything right. My mum came with me to my appointment today and she was really impressed and said that she felt Melissa was actually getting somewhere. She immediately spoke about hooking me up with doctors out in my college area, whereas my other therapist spent one of our two sessions discussing the method of one of the behavior therapies like reading it out of a text book. So.. maybe a little hope here.
I've been a bit of a recluse lately. I go through these phases where I just don't want to talk to anybody, and I won't reply to text messages or talk to the people I normally talk to anymore. I don't know if that's unhealthy or not. I know I feel guilty because the person on the other side probably feels upset or neglected. But is that normal or okay? Or bad? Of course this doesn't include you, Wisp. I don't play HI anymore, I just log on daily to try and catch you online so I can talk to you. Weird that you're the exception.
I beat Harvest Moon: Magical Melody today anyway, so now everything I do is just extra without much purpose. I could get married and have a kid or something, maybe save up and buy all the properties just to make them look pretty. But there's only so much interest a game without a plot can hold for me. I ordered one of the newer games in the series so hopefully that arrives soon so I can distract myself enough to appear a zombie. Distraction is good.
Oh, when we were driving back from my therapy session today, a car without a bumper moved from the slow lane to cut us off in the middle lane for no reason. He had no cars to pass and it was very abrupt. Mum noted that she saw a baby in the backseat, then when we passed him I witnessed him texting on his phone. A few minutes later we somehow find him again, but this time he's smoking a cigarette... with the baby in the back seat. Mum nearly blew a gasket.
Nothing else to report for now. NiP signing out.
Tuesday, July 22, 2014
computer nonsense for wisp
I thought I might share some of my good finds with you for Blondie.
- Get the AdBlock add-on. It puts a little icon in the top right corner of your browser that tells you how many ads it is currently blocking on said page (I've reached up to hundreds on Facebook by just idling for a minute - and watch it go up, up, up...). It also keeps track of how many ads it has blocked total (I'm at 13,616 as of this moment), and gives you the ability to disable AdBlock on certain websites (One of the sites I use to download mods for the Sims always asks me to disable it to help pay for the server, so that's a cool option).
- I also use Avast's virus add-on for extra protection. It gives site ratings which are very useful for when you're googling something, because it'll tell you if it's an un-trusted website before you click on the link.
- I love Google Mail Checker because it has a tiny icon on the top right of the browser, like AdBlock, which displays how many unread e-mails you have and provides a quick one click link.
- Speed Dial is an add-on that is just like speed dials on phones. When you open a new browser in chrome, the top ten websites that you have assigned numbers to appear, allowing you one click access to it. I have HI on it so I never have to type in the URL. Just click. I'm lazy, though.
- Eye Dropper is just like the tool on Photoshop. You click on the icon, then click anywhere on the webpage you're viewing and it returns the color for you. This might be really useful when you're doing GUI for HTML/CSS and are playing with colors which is why I mention it.
- Use Google Chrome for a browser. It's the fastest there is, no questions asked, toolbar-less, and you can get user-created add-ons. Plus it has it's own built-in PDF file reader so you don't have to download Adobe Reader. I hate Adobe Reader.
- Get the AdBlock add-on. It puts a little icon in the top right corner of your browser that tells you how many ads it is currently blocking on said page (I've reached up to hundreds on Facebook by just idling for a minute - and watch it go up, up, up...). It also keeps track of how many ads it has blocked total (I'm at 13,616 as of this moment), and gives you the ability to disable AdBlock on certain websites (One of the sites I use to download mods for the Sims always asks me to disable it to help pay for the server, so that's a cool option).
- I also use Avast's virus add-on for extra protection. It gives site ratings which are very useful for when you're googling something, because it'll tell you if it's an un-trusted website before you click on the link.
- I love Google Mail Checker because it has a tiny icon on the top right of the browser, like AdBlock, which displays how many unread e-mails you have and provides a quick one click link.
- Speed Dial is an add-on that is just like speed dials on phones. When you open a new browser in chrome, the top ten websites that you have assigned numbers to appear, allowing you one click access to it. I have HI on it so I never have to type in the URL. Just click. I'm lazy, though.
- Eye Dropper is just like the tool on Photoshop. You click on the icon, then click anywhere on the webpage you're viewing and it returns the color for you. This might be really useful when you're doing GUI for HTML/CSS and are playing with colors which is why I mention it.
- This is the VPN I told you I was using: https://www.privateinternetaccess.com/
- The article I read when determining what VPN to use: http://torrentfreak.com/which-vpn-services-take-your-anonymity-seriously-2014-edition-140315/
- If you're wanting to torrent, I use BitTorrent, but uTorrent is popular also
- You can download or stream almost any tv show from eztv.it
- http://keepvid.com/ lets you download a video or audio file of any YouTube video
- You can find a free portable version of Photoshop CS5 here: http://portableappz.blogspot.com/2011/04/photoshop-cs5-extended-121-multilingual.html
- VideoLAN (VLC) is an amazing media player that loads everything quick and easy, very much unlike Windows Media Player in my experience. My school used it, too. Link: http://www.videolan.org/vlc/download-windows.html
- 7-zip is a free compressor that is faster than WinZip and doesn't bring up annoying messages about your trial expiring. http://www.7-zip.org/
- I use Razer Game Booster on my computer at all times because it makes not only games but pretty much everything run significantly faster (although the games part is certainly nice, I love seeing my FPS rocket). It finds all the useless programs running in the background of your computer and temporarily turns them off for however long in order to speed things up. It'll list said programs so you can personally check and uncheck which programs you want it to close.
- Avast has never failed me as an ad-blocker, ever. Plus it's free.
- I heard this site is really awesome for organizing purposes, but I haven't checked it out yet personally because I don't really have anything to organize at the moment: https://evernote.com/
- Update several programs at once: https://ninite.com/
- Pandora is awesome if you want to find new music that is very related to artists you like.
- Spotify is also pretty neat. You enter in your mood and it creates a playlist which correlates.
- http://plug.dj/ is a place where you can create your own playlist consisting of YouTube music videos, then, if you get friends to use it too, you take turns playing the songs you've chosen. When your song is playing you are dubbed the DJ and the people in the room with you have the option to "Woot!" your song which gives you points that lets you unlock cute little DJ avatars. It's pretty awesome if you get a good group of people together.
- http://www.furry-paws.com/ is the dog version of Hworse.
- http://www.mweor.com/ is the cat version.
- http://www.misticpets.com/ is a small community virtual pet site with absolutely beautiful artists working behind it. The mods are very friendly, as are the users. It's a little wonky due to the programmers not being top-notch, highly paid professionals, but still awesome.
- http://www.rescreatu.com/ is like a modern Subeta. It was actually one of the former mods from this website who created Misticpets. I haven't played it in many years, but one of my old friends is one of the artists who draws the pets.
Hopefully you find something neat that you like. :3
Monday, July 21, 2014
when sleepless nights become bitter oblivion
I have a relatively new (as in made within the past few months) google account that I seem to no longer have access to. Of course there is always the theory that I could have forgotten my password, but I am fairly certain I used one of my generic ones, which only fuels my suspicion that my lovely stalker got a hold of it. Which sucks because I created that account for a reason; to anonymously e-mail someone I did not trust about a topic I did not want anyone else reading. And of all people to read those e-mails, he would be the worst. He needs more information to blackmail me with like I need another bullet in my head. And I am so, so tired of him constantly reappearing in my life just to drop bombshells and claim that he is "looking out for me". The last time he came around he took a screenshot of a conversation on Skype I had with a guy I was playing Minecraft with - COMPLETELY out of context - and sent it to him anonymously whilst our relationship was progressing, causing him to call me in blinding fury asking who my friend was. It turned out he was logging into my Skype account and watching my conversations quite literally as I was having them (Skype allows you to log in from multiple locations at once). We were positive it was my stalker when he received a message saying that I was moving on to other men because he was neglecting me. Just to give you a little insight as to how batshit crazy this guy is.
I know it must be confusing to read what I say when I use pronouns, but he is the one who I cannot name - and I am not referring to Voldemort. Consider it a "trigger". Using his name would cause me to feel sour which would provoke the ultimate mental down-hill snowball effect. Kind of like the music I can no longer listen to or the items I have buried deep within my wardrobe to avoid accidentally seeing. For some reason this phenomenon brings the song Art of War by Anberlin to my mind, particularly where it says, "There are songs I'll never write because of you walking out of my life".
And I had a dream about him last night where we were awkwardly sitting in one of those vans with three rows of seats and he, being in the row behind me, sneaked his hand up into mine as if to say, "Everything is okay. I still love you, and I always will, and we're going to be together again."
Of course a dream like such only made me think of all the reasons that could never be true whilst in the shower today. It is like my subconscious treated me with a beautiful fantasy only for my conscious mind to come forth and list every flaw in it, like a non-fiction critic reading a book with enough plot holes to categorize it alongside a Dr. Seuss novella.
I regret that my blogs cannot be cheerful and positive like Wisp's. Not cheerful and positive, I suppose, but just anything that is not discussing how miserable I am. It makes me feel pretty pathetic, which is funny because earlier today my mother said that she thinks I am getting better.
So to lighten this up a little, I'll say that I did shower and take my medicine today. Yesterday I learned how to make hamburgers on a George Foreman my mother picked up at a garage sale for me to take to college. Peanut has decided to adopt squeaking as a form of communication. I bought a case of Pepsi. And I'm enjoying myself on Harvest Moon: Magical Melody, where I now have 4 chickens (Chester, Sanders, Nugget, and Church), 2 calves (Lolita and Estella), one lamb (Guinevere), and a foal that just grew up named Khaleesi. I can't wait to learn how to ride Khaleesi tomorrow and frolic all about the village. I wish the horses could be different colors, though, and not all just brown. Rawr.
Monday, July 14, 2014
'cause now we say goodnight from our own separate sides, like brothers on a hotel bed
I never watch Family Guy anymore since we cancelled our cable around about 5 years ago, but tonight my brother decided to watch it on Netflix whilst I was also in the living room. The episode was called Call Girl - I could not name the season or number to reference. The story was about Louis being approached by a man who thought her voice was amazing and thus offered her a job as a "voice woman" of some sort (I promise there is a point to me telling this, Wisp, although it might be awkward for you to read). She of course assumed the job was for narrating commercials, but upon arrival realized that she was recruited to work for a Sex Hotline; a job she reluctantly accepted when offered 2 grand a week to do so. Because of her new occupation she loses interest in certain activities with her husband, driving him to call the Hotline himself and, coincidentally, his wife is the one who answers. None the wiser, he phones frequently and speaks about silly things (not sexual) and tells her how her voice allures him so greatly, as if he really clicks with her naturally. He then asks to meet her in person and Louis, furious that Peter would be willing to cheat on her, agrees. She wears a wig, Peter "cheats" with her, she removes the wig, then goes ballistic on him. In response, the husband asserts that he never "technically" cheated, and goes on to explain how he felt when speaking to her on the phone and how it filled a part of their relationship that had gone missing.
This episode really struck me in a bittersweet way. Sweet because I am very much familiar with the feeling of knowing someone who I have always felt was naturally made for me despite, well, anything. Bitter because said person walked away (Whoever says it is better to have loved and lost than to have never loved at all is full of shit. You cannot be emotionally punched into oblivion by a feeling you have never experienced.). It has always been a curious thing to me. We met online, so of course you would think meeting in person would have been very awkward and nerve wracking. And I suppose it was for the first few hours; I was curled up in a chair in the corner of the hotel room whilst he relaxed on the bed, and when he drove us downtown I was practically hugging the passenger door. But he slowly coaxed me out of it just by being him. His voice, mannerisms, and teasing were all the same; the only new factor was having him in person. So I relaxed.. enough so that he kissed me the first night and it was perfectly okay. Better than okay. And I snuggled up to him and fell asleep as if we had known the feel of each other's body, smell, and pattern of breathing the entire time. It was just so.. easy. Unbelievably easy. And natural. The same thing happened when I saw him again this June. Even though we had not seen each other in person for over a year, I was found in his arms less than two hours after he picked me up from my hotel.
It kills me because I know that feeling of us being made for each other only makes things so much worse. I have always told myself that there is no such thing, and that there is better out there, and I have tried to convince myself that the feeling was merely a passing lie. But I just don't know. If you find the puzzle piece that fits exactly next to the one you have, but then your dog eats it, how are you supposed to deal with that?
This episode really struck me in a bittersweet way. Sweet because I am very much familiar with the feeling of knowing someone who I have always felt was naturally made for me despite, well, anything. Bitter because said person walked away (Whoever says it is better to have loved and lost than to have never loved at all is full of shit. You cannot be emotionally punched into oblivion by a feeling you have never experienced.). It has always been a curious thing to me. We met online, so of course you would think meeting in person would have been very awkward and nerve wracking. And I suppose it was for the first few hours; I was curled up in a chair in the corner of the hotel room whilst he relaxed on the bed, and when he drove us downtown I was practically hugging the passenger door. But he slowly coaxed me out of it just by being him. His voice, mannerisms, and teasing were all the same; the only new factor was having him in person. So I relaxed.. enough so that he kissed me the first night and it was perfectly okay. Better than okay. And I snuggled up to him and fell asleep as if we had known the feel of each other's body, smell, and pattern of breathing the entire time. It was just so.. easy. Unbelievably easy. And natural. The same thing happened when I saw him again this June. Even though we had not seen each other in person for over a year, I was found in his arms less than two hours after he picked me up from my hotel.
It kills me because I know that feeling of us being made for each other only makes things so much worse. I have always told myself that there is no such thing, and that there is better out there, and I have tried to convince myself that the feeling was merely a passing lie. But I just don't know. If you find the puzzle piece that fits exactly next to the one you have, but then your dog eats it, how are you supposed to deal with that?
Thursday, July 10, 2014
all those arrows you threw, you threw them away
You know those times when you are going about your day normally when all of a sudden you remember a dream you had the previous night, almost as if the memory did not exist until something you saw or heard or thought triggered it from the very back of your mind? I was unfortunate enough to experience that feeling regarding a dream I had of him last night, and the impact of it returning to my consciousness, which felt like a horrible sort of internal collision, had me catch my breath for a second. I absolutely loathe being reminded of him, and having remembered a dream of him was so much worse compared to giving him a simple glimpse of thought when you consider that dreams can feel so real. As is the emotions they are capable of conjuring.
My close friend Wisp was curious about what happened in this dream (or nightmare), and furthermore I feel that writing about it will allow a little more reflection for myself despite how much I want to bury this dream along with the thoughts and feelings associated with it in a deep, deep hole to never be thought of again. Thus I reveal.
The dream is most likely difficult to understand for those who have not played the game that him and I used to play together. It was actually on said game that we met. He was a leader of a clan which was essentially a group of whomever applied to join to meet new people when they were bored, then speak collectively in one chat; sort of like a chat room, but regulated by those he chose to moderate it. It did not really have much purpose; it was just a group of random people who were tired of playing the game alone and wanted a sense of community. It was here in his clan that I met him and also fell for him. However I refuse to tell the tale of our beginning too much in order to avoid terrible feelings which I know will turn into even more terrible thoughts, so all else you need to know is that we both stopped playing this game about a year ago.
In my dream, I logged back onto that game just to see if he had returned to it after we broke up for whatever mindless reasoning I had come up with. And in my dream, he had. I found the new clan he created and discovered that there were several members whom he had collected that were online chatting. I spent a lot of time contemplating what I wanted to do now that I had regrettably found this horrible news, and I felt so incredibly bitter that he was visibly continuing life without me. The bitterness made me lash out at him indirectly; in the chat room I requested that they tell him Nothing in Particular said hello and that she still meant everything she had said. I do not know exactly what I said to which I was referring to (my best guess would be when we were on the phone and I told him that I could never be with someone who always flaked out). Right when I pressed enter, he logged in and saw my message, kicked me out of his clan immediately, and followed the gesture with a private message in which he pretty much verbally throttled me.
I know this dream is not an interesting story containing entertaining events, but it still felt like a knife in the chest when it came back to me. I suppose it is because I fear him moving on and eventually resenting me.
Oh, how deeply I am in love. And how deeply it hurts.
My close friend Wisp was curious about what happened in this dream (or nightmare), and furthermore I feel that writing about it will allow a little more reflection for myself despite how much I want to bury this dream along with the thoughts and feelings associated with it in a deep, deep hole to never be thought of again. Thus I reveal.
The dream is most likely difficult to understand for those who have not played the game that him and I used to play together. It was actually on said game that we met. He was a leader of a clan which was essentially a group of whomever applied to join to meet new people when they were bored, then speak collectively in one chat; sort of like a chat room, but regulated by those he chose to moderate it. It did not really have much purpose; it was just a group of random people who were tired of playing the game alone and wanted a sense of community. It was here in his clan that I met him and also fell for him. However I refuse to tell the tale of our beginning too much in order to avoid terrible feelings which I know will turn into even more terrible thoughts, so all else you need to know is that we both stopped playing this game about a year ago.
In my dream, I logged back onto that game just to see if he had returned to it after we broke up for whatever mindless reasoning I had come up with. And in my dream, he had. I found the new clan he created and discovered that there were several members whom he had collected that were online chatting. I spent a lot of time contemplating what I wanted to do now that I had regrettably found this horrible news, and I felt so incredibly bitter that he was visibly continuing life without me. The bitterness made me lash out at him indirectly; in the chat room I requested that they tell him Nothing in Particular said hello and that she still meant everything she had said. I do not know exactly what I said to which I was referring to (my best guess would be when we were on the phone and I told him that I could never be with someone who always flaked out). Right when I pressed enter, he logged in and saw my message, kicked me out of his clan immediately, and followed the gesture with a private message in which he pretty much verbally throttled me.
I know this dream is not an interesting story containing entertaining events, but it still felt like a knife in the chest when it came back to me. I suppose it is because I fear him moving on and eventually resenting me.
Oh, how deeply I am in love. And how deeply it hurts.
Sunday, July 6, 2014
revolution is not easy with a civil war on the inside
My mother came into my room claiming that a nearby McDonalds was having open interviews on Tuesday and insisted that I go. Her expectations of me only make me feel worse. How am I supposed to regularly go to a place for several hours a day and do meaningless tasks for a meaningless purpose when I cannot even convince myself get out of bed anymore? To shower? To eat? Can't she see how hard I am already trying to just to stay alive? These normal things that normal people do - going to work, eating, running errands, being with friends and family - are so pointless to me when I am facing such an internal battle for meaningful purpose. I wish she would stop opening my bedroom doors and drawing my curtains. I wish she would stop trying to force happiness and light into me and assuming that it is going to make me happy. It is not my exposure to light and other people which will make me feel better, but a change of thinking and perception in my own head. That lies all on me, not her. You can give someone food when they are hungry, shelter when they are homeless, or knowledge when they are ignorant. But you cannot give someone the desire to live and function, for that is all a learning process alone and within.
Stop expecting so much of me, please. It only makes me feel that much more miserable when I know I cannot do it and reminds me of how messed up and dysfunctional I am.
Title credited to Anberlin.
the beginning in the middle
It's funny how easily priorities change when something or someone in your life vanishes. Not in an amusing way, but in a harsh and unforgiving kind of 'funny'. See - I have always been a frugal person; a quality that I gained from my mother (which she regrets having given). I deny her offers of new clothing, expensive food, or fancy decor; things I don't need; money that I know can go to a better cause. Even in the video games I play I am notorious for hoarding money in copious amounts. This quality of mine was amplified during the time I was with him. My mind kicked into a sort of behemoth frugality mode in which I refused to spend a single penny unless it was absolutely necessary. I wanted to save everything I could to move out there with him, go to college, and to make something of myself. And I think the difference was that he gave me aspirations and dreams for myself that I never had before. I never had a plan; never really wanted anything in particular. I only lived because, well, it was a lot easier than going out of my way to die. But then he walked into my dark little blasé corner of nothingness with a torch, touched my heart, took my hand, and led me outside my desolate hidey-hole into a world full of dreams and aspirations and opportunities. If only I could see the world's light without his torch there to show me. If only he had not continued on without me, but instead took me with him. If only I could experience what it feels like to truly want something out of life without him there to make me feel it. Because now, I want nothing save the unattainable. I want him.
Now that the beautiful scene in my mind has deteriorated with his absence, my desire to hoard as much money as I can has faded. I want to spend my savings on whatever will provide me with instant gratification whether it be food or games or soda. Yesterday I purchased two coloring books and three threads of embroidery floss amounting to over $13. Today I treated myself to fast food resulting in the loss of another $7. Part of me is terrified of this change in my attitude because it is just another sign that I am helpless without him. The other part of me really wants a Chocolate Fudge Brownie Milkshake from Steak N' Shake.
I told my therapist that I would wake up at 10:00 and shower at least four days this week. It is now 6:00 in the morning, I have not slept yet, and the only shower I have taken thus far was Thursday. One step forward, thirty steps back.
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