all those arrows you threw, you threw them away

     You know those times when you are going about your day normally when all of a sudden you remember a dream you had the previous night, almost as if the memory did not exist until something you saw or heard or thought triggered it from the very back of your mind? I was unfortunate enough to experience that feeling regarding a dream I had of him last night, and the impact of it returning to my consciousness, which felt like a horrible sort of internal collision, had me catch my breath for a second. I absolutely loathe being reminded of him, and having remembered a dream of him was so much worse compared to giving him a simple glimpse of thought when you consider that dreams can feel so real. As is the emotions they are capable of conjuring.
     My close friend Wisp was curious about what happened in this dream (or nightmare), and furthermore I feel that writing about it will allow a little more reflection for myself despite how much I want to bury this dream along with the thoughts and feelings associated with it in a deep, deep hole to never be thought of again. Thus I reveal.
     The dream is most likely difficult to understand for those who have not played the game that him and I used to play together. It was actually on said game that we met. He was a leader of a clan which was essentially a group of whomever applied to join to meet new people when they were bored, then speak collectively in one chat; sort of like a chat room, but regulated by those he chose to moderate it. It did not really have much purpose; it was just a group of random people who were tired of playing the game alone and wanted a sense of community. It was here in his clan that I met him and also fell for him. However I refuse to tell the tale of our beginning too much in order to avoid terrible feelings which I know will turn into even more terrible thoughts, so all else you need to know is that we both stopped playing this game about a year ago.
     In my dream, I logged back onto that game just to see if he had returned to it after we broke up for whatever mindless reasoning I had come up with. And in my dream, he had. I found the new clan he created and discovered that there were several members whom he had collected that were online chatting. I spent a lot of time contemplating what I wanted to do now that I had regrettably found this horrible news, and I felt so incredibly bitter that he was visibly continuing life without me. The bitterness made me lash out at him indirectly; in the chat room I requested that they tell him Nothing in Particular said hello and that she still meant everything she had said. I do not know exactly what I said to which I was referring to (my best guess would be when we were on the phone and I told him that I could never be with someone who always flaked out). Right when I pressed enter, he logged in and saw my message, kicked me out of his clan immediately, and followed the gesture with a private message in which he pretty much verbally throttled me.
     I know this dream is not an interesting story containing entertaining events, but it still felt like a knife in the chest when it came back to me. I suppose it is because I fear him moving on and eventually resenting me.
     Oh, how deeply I am in love. And how deeply it hurts.