revolution is not easy with a civil war on the inside

     My mother came into my room claiming that a nearby McDonalds was having open interviews on Tuesday and insisted that I go. Her expectations of me only make me feel worse. How am I supposed to regularly go to a place for several hours a day and do meaningless tasks for a meaningless purpose when I cannot even convince myself get out of bed anymore? To shower? To eat? Can't she see how hard I am already trying to just to stay alive? These normal things that normal people do - going to work, eating, running errands, being with friends and family - are so pointless to me when I am facing such an internal battle for meaningful purpose. I wish she would stop opening my bedroom doors and drawing my curtains. I wish she would stop trying to force happiness and light into me and assuming that it is going to make me happy. It is not my exposure to light and other people which will make me feel better, but a change of thinking and perception in my own head. That lies all on me, not her. You can give someone food when they are hungry, shelter when they are homeless, or knowledge when they are ignorant. But you cannot give someone the desire to live and function, for that is all a learning process alone and within.

     Stop expecting so much of me, please. It only makes me feel that much more miserable when I know I cannot do it and reminds me of how messed up and dysfunctional I am.

   

     Title credited to Anberlin.