the beginning in the middle

     It's funny how easily priorities change when something or someone in your life vanishes. Not in an amusing way, but in a harsh and unforgiving kind of 'funny'. See - I have always been a frugal person; a quality that I gained from my mother (which she regrets having given). I deny her offers of new clothing, expensive food, or fancy decor; things I don't need; money that I know can go to a better cause. Even in the video games I play I am notorious for hoarding money in copious amounts. This quality of mine was amplified during the time I was with him. My mind kicked into a sort of behemoth frugality mode in which I refused to spend a single penny unless it was absolutely necessary. I wanted to save everything I could to move out there with him, go to college, and to make something of myself. And I think the difference was that he gave me aspirations and dreams for myself that I never had before. I never had a plan; never really wanted anything in particular. I only lived because, well, it was a lot easier than going out of my way to die. But then he walked into my dark little blasé corner of nothingness with a torch, touched my heart, took my hand, and led me outside my desolate hidey-hole into a world full of dreams and aspirations and opportunities. If only I could see the world's light without his torch there to show me. If only he had not continued on without me, but instead took me with him. If only I could experience what it feels like to truly want something out of life without him there to make me feel it. Because now, I want nothing save the unattainable. I want him.

     Now that the beautiful scene in my mind has deteriorated with his absence, my desire to hoard as much money as I can has faded. I want to spend my savings on whatever will provide me with instant gratification whether it be food or games or soda. Yesterday I purchased two coloring books and three threads of embroidery floss amounting to over $13. Today I treated myself to fast food resulting in the loss of another $7. Part of me is terrified of this change in my attitude because it is just another sign that I am helpless without him. The other part of me really wants a Chocolate Fudge Brownie Milkshake from Steak N' Shake.

     I told my therapist that I would wake up at 10:00 and shower at least four days this week. It is now 6:00 in the morning, I have not slept yet, and the only shower I have taken thus far was Thursday. One step forward, thirty steps back.