Monday, July 21, 2014

when sleepless nights become bitter oblivion

     I have a relatively new (as in made within the past few months) google account that I seem to no longer have access to. Of course there is always the theory that I could have forgotten my password, but I am fairly certain I used one of my generic ones, which only fuels my suspicion that my lovely stalker got a hold of it. Which sucks because I created that account for a reason; to anonymously e-mail someone I did not trust about a topic I did not want anyone else reading. And of all people to read those e-mails, he would be the worst. He needs more information to blackmail me with like I need another bullet in my head. And I am so, so tired of him constantly reappearing in my life just to drop bombshells and claim that he is "looking out for me". The last time he came around he took a screenshot of a conversation on Skype I had with a guy I was playing Minecraft with - COMPLETELY out of context - and sent it to him anonymously whilst our relationship was progressing, causing him to call me in blinding fury asking who my friend was. It turned out he was logging into my Skype account and watching my conversations quite literally as I was having them (Skype allows you to log in from multiple locations at once). We were positive it was my stalker when he received a message saying that I was moving on to other men because he was neglecting me. Just to give you a little insight as to how batshit crazy this guy is.
     I know it must be confusing to read what I say when I use pronouns, but he is the one who I cannot name  - and I am not referring to Voldemort. Consider it a "trigger". Using his name would cause me to feel sour which would provoke the ultimate mental down-hill snowball effect. Kind of like the music I can no longer listen to or the items I have buried deep within my wardrobe to avoid accidentally seeing. For some reason this phenomenon brings the song Art of War by Anberlin to my mind, particularly where it says, "There are songs I'll never write because of you walking out of my life".
     And I had a dream about him last night where we were awkwardly sitting in one of those vans with three rows of seats and he, being in the row behind me, sneaked his hand up into mine as if to say, "Everything is okay. I still love you, and I always will, and we're going to be together again."
     Of course a dream  like such only made me think of all the reasons that could never be true whilst in the shower today. It is like my subconscious treated me with a beautiful fantasy only for my conscious mind to come forth and list every flaw in it, like a non-fiction critic reading a book with enough plot holes to categorize it alongside a Dr. Seuss novella.
     I regret that my blogs cannot be cheerful and positive like Wisp's. Not cheerful and positive, I suppose, but just anything that is not discussing how miserable I am. It makes me feel pretty pathetic, which is funny because earlier today my mother said that she thinks I am getting better.
     So to lighten this up a little, I'll say that I did shower and take my medicine today. Yesterday I learned how to make hamburgers on a George Foreman my mother picked up at a garage sale for me to take to college. Peanut has decided to adopt squeaking as a form of communication. I bought a case of Pepsi. And I'm enjoying myself on Harvest Moon: Magical Melody, where I now have 4 chickens (Chester, Sanders, Nugget, and Church), 2 calves (Lolita and Estella), one lamb (Guinevere), and a foal that just grew up named Khaleesi. I can't wait to learn how to ride Khaleesi tomorrow and frolic all about the village. I wish the horses could be different colors, though, and not all just brown. Rawr.

1 comment:

  1. I'm a little confused - ex is creepy stalker, or the other guy I advocated you pushing down stairs?
    And if I'm cheerful and positive, then some people must be absolutely out of their minds with giddiness...
    Yes, it does get better. Eventually, after a very long hard time, you'll get around to where I am now. I'll probably be right back where you are, but at the moment that's irrelevant. The relevant point is, it DOES get better, it just takes a very long time. Don't forget, fish are always deadest just before dawn. :)

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